Welcome Home
by My Sweet Selene
Summary: Remus is caught by the Ministry and is now kept in a research lab. Returning to his kove at Hogwarts is the only thing that saves him from insanity. Dark fic. Songfic. RL/SS. Slash, though only mentioned. please r/r


Disclaimer: HP + universe = JKR's, not me. Oh why? Hm, one cannot have everything.  
  
Warning: This is slash, even if only mentioned. And some  
  
mention of torture as well. And a lot of angsty  
  
thoughts  
  
Pairing: Remus Lupin/Severus Snape  
  
A/N: The song "Welcome home" belongs to Metallica. I am no fan of this group, but I liked the Cello-version of this piece and wanted to know the lyrics. When I read them this story popped into my mind. I hope that the situation is quite clear. Well, as some of you might already know, English is not my mother tongue and as I wrote this straight into the computer there might be a lot of mistakes. As it is quite late here, 01:00 in the morning and I wanted to post it tonight I did not reread it. So I might be repeating myself in this story. But I think that even that fits. To all those who reviewed my poems and might be reading this: many thanks for all your compliments, you really gave me courage to continue writing. I wrote this story while listening to the Apocalyptica (Cello-version) of this song.  
  
As ever, please review. It really helps. Even flame me if you want to. All forms of critics are allowed. Thanks, big hug and ciao - Severina  
  
  
  
Welcome home  
  
Welcome to a time stands still  
  
No one leaves and no one will  
  
Moon is full, never seems to change  
  
1 Just labelled mentally deranged  
  
Dream the same thing every night  
  
I see your freedom in my sight  
  
No locked doors, no windows barred  
  
No thing to make my brain seem scarred  
  
I don't know how long I've been in here. It seems like an eternity to me. Every single second of my stay I try to analyse how such a thing could happen. There are not much more things I can to. I am locked here into this cage. Yes, that's what it is. A cage. With barred windows. Yesterday – was it yesterday? Yes must be, there was only night since – I asked one of the wardens how long ago it was they caught me. He just laughed dryly, left my meal which consisted of a tiny bowl of soup, hard bread and a goblet of water. It is not much but at least there they gave me something warm that time. It's not every day like this. Sometimes it even seems to happen they forget me. Once, they didn't bring me for about a week. God, I have lost weight. Would you see me now, love, would you recognise me? Would you see your lover in me? The one who lay quietly beside you so many times? To whom you made love so sweetly and wildly – depending on our mood? Would you recognise him in the filthy looking man I am now? I highly doubt it. I know you are somewhere out there, walking in freedom on the grounds of Hogwarts. I can see how the wind blows through your silky black hair, how your black robes billow behind you with each step you take.  
  
I was not dangerous the night they caught me. You had taken care of this properly as you've always done since Harry's third year. You had given me the Wolfsbane Potion so I could run freely on the grounds. You knew I wanted it so deeply. I could not endure any longer being locked into a dark room somewhere in the dungeons where it is safe, from where not even a werewolf like me could escape. You knew I needed freedom. And you gave it to me just like you gave so many more things. Love, for instance. Yes, you gave me the feeling that once in my life somebody truly cared for me. Yes, you Severus, did that for me. You everybody thinks so cold and cruel, you showed me your other face, your true inner being that you had kept hidden for so long so well. Sorry, dear, my mind wanders. Forgive me, but these memories are the only things that keep me sane in here. So, where did I stop. Ah, yes, it had been full moon that night, you had given me the potion and I had gone out. But foolish like I am I did not stay on the Hogwarts ground but went onto the other side of the like. Freedom, fresh, clean air. Oh, how I long for this, especially now, especially here. I roamed through the night and then, all out of a sudden, they were all around me, wands at the ready. Men from the Ministry. Men from the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures. They cursed me. There was nothing I could do against it. The potion makes me harmless and therefore defenceless. After drinking the potion the idea of attacking someone does not even come into my mind. I lost consciousness. The next thing I can remember is waking up in this cell. And you being so far away.  
  
Sleep my friend and you will see  
  
That dream is my reality  
  
They keep me locked up in this cage  
  
Can't see it's why my brain says rage  
  
Sanitarium, leave me be  
  
Sanitarium, just leave me alone  
  
Often we have spoken about what might happen if they somehow managed to catch me. Nothing will happen to you as long as you stick with me and stay on the grounds of Hogwarts. Yes, we spoke about this a lot as we were both afraid of being separated from each other. I should have listened to you. For once in my life I should have listened to you. But as a werewolf there are instincts I can't control. One of these instincts is the urge for freedom. Sometimes I wish I could just a normal wizard without this monthly problem. But then, you told me, I would never be the person that I am now. Now. What am I now. Just one more object locked in some secret place. Just one more object for their research. For science. For the benefit of the wizard society. That's what they tell me when they come to me. That I should be honoured to play such a big role. That I could save the rest of the society from being attacked and killed by highly dangerous werewolves. As if I cared! I just want them to leave me alone. Tomorrow will be full moon again. That's what they told me. Even if they hadn't, I can sense it. I can smell it. I feel it with every fibre of my body, of my soul. Tomorrow is full moon. Then the moon beams will shine through the bars of my window. Why do I call it like this? In reality it is just a hole high above me in the wall with bars in front of it. Why the bars? I cannot reach the window, even if I wanted to. And believe me, love, I want it. I want to be out of here. To be in your arms again. Even to hear you complain in your nasty way about the students. I never imagined I could actually miss this. Ironic, isn't it. You come to valorise the things you have once you've lost them. We often talked about what might happen if they caught me. We imagined a lot of things, but not this. Even you who are so cruel sometimes could not think of such a thing. We though they would lock me in a prison with no windows or just execute me. Why didn't they do it? Why didn't they kill me straight away? Why did I have to end up as a research object? It's so humiliating. You often had nightmares of losing me. Of being alone. Then I would wake you. You would see my face and start to cry and I would cradle you to sleep again. Or I would simply hold you near me. When the nightmares had been very bad we ended up making love. You cried the whole time. You cried tears of fear, of sadness, of loneliness and tears of love and happiness. All in one. And I cried to for seeing you crying. And now it's me dreaming of you. Oh, God, this loneliness inside me kills me. I need to see you, I need to smell you, I need to touch you, I need, I need, I need -- -  
  
Build my fear of what's out there  
  
And cannot breath the open air  
  
Whisper things into my brain  
  
Assuring me that I'm insane  
  
They think our heads are in their hands  
  
But violent use brings violent plans  
  
Keep him tied, it makes him well  
  
He's getting better, can't you tell?  
  
Tell me, love, what's it like out there? Is the air warm and pure? Or is it cold. Inside here I can only smell myself. I stopped feeling nausea a long time ago. I used to vomit once the smell became too much to bear. You know, they don't clean the cells here. They let us rot in our own excretion. I didn't know what it's like to feel dirty. Now I know and I wish deeply that I wouldn't. They often come to me. Men, wizards, scientist, yes, that's what they call themselves. Scientist. To me they are no more than torturers. People who enjoy to see other people suffer. They keep me up in chains so I cannot attack them. Even if I am not in my wolf form. They remove what's left of my robes, remember, those beautiful, warm robes you gave to me on my birthday last year, and examine me. They drive their needles into me, they take my blood, my sperms, my saliva, samples of my skin. They inject me something to stimulate my transformation, even by daylight or when the moon is far from being full. They ask me questions. Which one I cannot tell. I do not even listen to them anymore. Those they asked me in the beginning I forgot. Yesterday I heard one of the men say that I would soon become useless. That they could not get any results from me even after six months. Six months! Six long months being away from you. Do you even remember me? Do you still know who I am? Yes, deep inside me I know you are still mine. And will be forever. They tell me Dumbledore could do nothing to save me. That he didn't even care. I know that's not true. As long as you are there you will force Albus to search for me. And after all he's done for me I am convinced that even without you bothering him all the time he would search for me. But they keep telling me that it's too late. That I should give up and surrender. That I should be more co-operative. I will never! Do you hear me? I WILL NEVER GIVE UP!!! NEVER! Tomorrow it's full moon. Tomorrow. Do you think of the same thing as I do, love? Yes, I think you do. You know me pretty well, don't you?  
  
No more can keep us in  
  
Listen, damn it, we will win  
  
They see it right, they see it well  
  
But they think this saves us from our hell  
  
Sanitarium, leave me be  
  
Sanitarium, just leave me alone  
  
Sanitarium, just leave me alone  
  
Today's the day. Today is full moon. My senses are already sharpening. There are others of my sort in here, I can sense it. I start to howl. Far in the distance, as it seems to me, I get response. I tell them of my fate. I tell them about our love, about how much I miss you. They can feel for me. Some tell me of similar fates. Yes, there are many more of my kind. And all of us have the same longing. Being free again. I tell them my plan. Some answer me they are to weak to follow it, but they wish me good look. I know better than trying to convince them to follow me. But others agree with me. Those who know they will not be visited tonight promise me to follow my plan another time. Yes, we will be an entire pack. Just like real wolves. They tell me they'd lost hope, but I had given them something to cling onto. I returned our dream to them. Yes, tonight or never. Soon I will be with you love. No more needles. No more pain from cutting me with knives, from scratching me with silver rings, from flogging me. Tonight I will be free.  
  
Fear of living on  
  
Natives going restless now  
  
Mutiny in the air  
  
Got some death to do  
  
Mirror stares back hard  
  
Kill, such a friendly word  
  
Seems the only way for reaching out  
  
There, the first moon beams fall in through the tiny barred whole in the wall. I feel the transformation. This time I await it impatiently. I hear my fellow wolves howl again. Yes, it's wonderful. We are all united. Following one great goal. I hear the blood rushing faster and stronger through my veins. I smell the tension in the air and it stimulates me even more. I stretch my four legs, sharpen the claws of my paws on the cold and dirty stone ground. The hunger inside me is almost unbearable. But for once I am not ashamed of my wolfish blood lust. Oh, no, I enjoy with all my being, the wolf and the man. Yes, I hear you calling, love. Severus, tomorrow I will be with you, in your arms. I know that now you are walking through the school grounds and look up at the sky, at the moon and ask yourself if I am fine. You do still have hope I will return to you, don't you? Yes, you do. I know it. Can you feel that tonight is different? That tonight is special. Tomorrow, love, tomorrow. I hear the keys scraping as they open the door to my cell. I can already smell the air. I give them the time to enter it, then I jump forward onto the first one. Yes, I feel the lust for blood pulsating inside me. I tear his throat open. From other cells I hear screams and curses, I smell blood, I smell death. I think about attacking the second one but then I stop. Is it really worth it. No, I don't want to kill to get to you. I don't want to pay our relationship with blood. Leave it to the others. I know where I have to go. I slip through the door. The second wizard is too petrified to try to stop me from leaving. I howl a quick good bye and get many responses. I will never forget you, friends. I wish you all good look. Somehow I manage to get out of this prison. My God, that's what fresh air smells like? I really forgot it. I do not know where I am but my heart leads me. By sunrise I change back to my normal form. How must I look like. A wizard who has lost considerable weight, dirty, filthy, long hair and ragged robes. I must look miserably. Like someone who has just left Azkaban. I've never been there but from what I know from it what I experienced was just as horrible as the prison. With the time I start to recognise the places and I know tonight I will be with you. Your Remus will be with you again, Severus. And that is for eternity. I promise it. 


End file.
